we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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