Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Randomize
