Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
