This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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