my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I think i got beer on your cat.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize