im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
