There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
