I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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