Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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