from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
