I murdered the dance floor call the cops
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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