Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
