I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
