have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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