My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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