haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
