Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
