theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
