Don't make out with my wife yet
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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