i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I supernannyed him into submission
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
