I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
