I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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