Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
