Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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