mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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