he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
