I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
