its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
