This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
