the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
