you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
