my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
