The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
