I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
