I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize