Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
