i jhust puked up my retainher.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
