We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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