I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
