She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
