Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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