Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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