all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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