I'm lost and stupid without you.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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