Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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