I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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