we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Your cock deserves a montage
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
