allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
