I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Someone signed my nipple.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
