So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
