I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
