when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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