I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
