Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
