She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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