We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
