At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
